


My Immortal Boyfriend is an Idiot

by Cards_Slash



Series: Vampires too [1]
Category: Assassin's Creed
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-21 08:12:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2461106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cards_Slash/pseuds/Cards_Slash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Malik is dating a vampire.  Specifically, a dumb vampire.  So he conducts a few experiments with some garlic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Immortal Boyfriend is an Idiot

**Author's Note:**

> a really short little ficlet for glasspudding on tumblr

So, Malik was dating a vampire and it wasn’t nearly as big a deal as movies, TV and YA novels made it out to be. Sure, he was a little colder to the touch than the average _living_ human being. And yes, it was awkward at restaurants when Malik ate his weight in whatever sounded good while Altair sat across from him sipping water and looking like some cross between aroused and horrified.

Oh, and there was that one time that Malik invited Altair out to lunch and the bastard made up a story about ten minutes long about why he couldn’t go that basically boiled down to: I’m an immortal creature of the night and I’ll burn to death in direct sunlight. 

But the really, really annoying thing was that Altair continued to act like Malik was too stupid to figure out he was dating a vampire. 

\--

Altair was dating a human and it was exactly the sort of big deal movies made it out to be. Most of the time, the natural warmth of Malik’s skin was a magnetized force that compelled him closer-and-closer in a manner that Altair was absolute unable to resist. And sometimes, the heady thrumming of his blood through his delicate human veins was the single most seductive sound in the whole of the world.

And every little taste of Malik’s body that he was afforded—the wetness of his mouth, the sweat-moist heat of his throat—was another deliriously addictive substance for him to abuse. 

Everything, absolutely every-little-thing about Malik was fascinating to him: from the way Malik slept with his shirt on and his arms folded under his pillow to the way he relished the taste of every new food he tried, to the human weakness of his limbs straining in mock fight against Altair. He loved the way Malik was afraid of very high places and how he yawned when it had been too long since he last slept. 

Oh yes, he loved Malik insanely and it was for the best that Malik never know what Altair really was.

\--

Nobody had ever accused Malik of being the most tolerate or forgiving person. (In fact his brother had often accused him of the opposite.) So, it was no mistake that he saturated his dinner in garlic and made a point to rub it against his neck with a definite, vengeful scowl long before Altair even made his appearance for their stay-in-date.

“Sorry about earlier,” Altair said after he suddenly cancelled their second attempted lunch date. He professed he was caught up at work but Malik had a mental vision of him hanging upside down in some underground lair, clutching a teddy bear and wearing flannel vampire pajamas. Malik smiled at his face in an understanding way and Altair kissed him on his garlic-brushed lips. The sudden jolt of surprise at the touch went through Altair’s body like a shiver but he managed not to jerk back in a suspicious way. His mouth was red-as-fire in the brief second before he covered it with his hand.

“Ok?” Malik said.

“Yeah,” Altair said. Then, after consulting his mental list of excuses, he said: “bit my lip.”

Malik looked as sympathetic as humanly possible. 

\--

Of course, it was bound to happen that Malik would eat garlic eventually. Humans seemed to be interested in that sort of thing. It was just that he didn’t understand why the man seemed to be rubbing garlic all over his exposed skin at odd intervals and no matter how hard Altair tried he just couldn’t come up with a way to casually ask him about it. (Or to invite him to bathe more regularly, if possible.)

\--

Sex with a vampire (a frequently discussed topic on the internet and in relevant novels) was not the bloody, violent event that it was oft described as. Whatever momentary concern Malik had about knowingly having sex with a vampire was quickly set aside the moment Altair put his vaguely chilly hands on him. In fact, the only off-putting part about having sex with Altair was the temperature difference between their bodies and the sickly pallor of his skin. 

“We should take a shower,” Malik had taken to announcing just seconds before it seemed like they were most likely going to have sex. And he put Altair under the direct spray of the shower while the water was on full-hot with billows of steam rolling everywhere. Water-as-hot-as-that would have scalded him (or at least been highly uncomfortable) but it seemed to do little more than pink Altair’s skin and momentarily raise his temperature to that of a normal person.

But it was just that Malik was left with the random and unpleasant realization (somewhere in the middle of sex, in fact) that if Altair ate human blood to live than having sex with humans was akin to Malik finding a cow to fuck. And that was decidedly unsexy.

\--

Predictably, Malik announced he would like a shower the second Altair happily discovered there was no garlic residue rubbed onto his neck or face. The sweet-promising thrum of Malik’s rapid heartbeat just beneath his skin was a beckoning call to him and Altair was looking forward to answering it. He happily followed Malik to the shower and allowed himself to be superheated by the aggressively hot water before just as happily following Malik back to the bedroom.

Altair pulled open the top drawer of the tall dresser by the bed to get at the box of condoms (he had never found a way to mention how irrelevant condoms were when he wasn’t going to catch or give any diseases) and discovered (coiled like a venomous snake) a rosary draped across the box. The nearness of his fingertips to the accursed thing brought a rush of heat that made his hand pull immediately back from the source. 

“What?” Malik asked. 

“Uh,” Altair said. “Nothing. Spider. I thought I saw a spider. I don’t like spiders.”

Malik’s face was impassive (and therefore not conducive to sex) as he said, “yeah, nasty little bloodsuckers. Did you find a condom before you were attacked?”

“No,” Altair said. “You look tired. We don’t have to have sex.”

“You don’t want to have sex?”

“No, I’m saying that you look tired so if you don’t want to that would be alright.”

“But I do want to,” Malik said. “So get a condom and get over here.” Then he dropped himself back onto the bed and scooted up to rest his shoulders against the headboard in an arrogant display of attractiveness. 

Altair looked desperately back at the coiled rosary and then at Malik. He used the back of one hand to knock the rosary to the side and plucked a condom out of the box as he tried very hard to ignore the searing pain where the rosary had touched. 

Malik was shaking his head at him when he crawled up between his thighs. But the fond smile on his face was the sweetest thing Altair had ever seen.

\--

Just to be a shit (no real reason at all), Malik borrowed the real silver silverware from a friend and invited Altair over for a fancy meal. He added garlic to everything (and rubbed it around the rim of the glasses too) and etched a cross into the back of Altair’s chair. 

Altair arrived (on time, for once) and happily chatted with him about his non-existent day at work. They made small talk about how the food smelled appealing and how much they liked this particular wine (Malik was kind enough not to ruin the wine with garlic) before they sat down to eat.

“Ah,” Altair said when he tried to sit back in his seat. His normally pale face went a little whiter and he cleared his throat. “I injured myself.”

“Oh?” Malik said. He dished up the food without any concern for the answering lie and then motioned at the plate he put in front of Altair. “I hope you like it. I know that you said you’ve got a lot of food allergies but I’ve been paying attention and I made sure it doesn’t have peanuts, milk, soy, beef, chicken, crab, spinach, blueberries, orange zest or peas in it.”

“Oh good,” Altair said. His hand grazed over the top of the silver fork at the side of the plate and he recoiled as if he were burned (which he was). He managed to cover that by reaching forward to pick up the water glass and that made it all the way to just under his nose before he stopped short at the scent of garlic. 

Malik was trying very hard not to smile.

Altair set the glass down again and stood up, turned to look at the little cross etched into the chair and then down at the silverware. “I suppose there’s garlic in the food as well,” he said calmly.

“Yes,” Malik said.

“Did you also rub it all over yourself?” he said. 

“No,” Malik said. By this point he could not contain the smug grin that was violently pulling at the corners of his mouth. He picked up his own glass and took a sip. “Was there something you wanted to tell me?”

Altair was standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and the strangest look of amused fury on his face. “You’ve known this whole time what I am and this is what you choose to do with the information?”

Malik shrugged; the grin resolutely in place.

“Hm,” Altair said. Then he swooped forward (faster than humanly possible) and dragged Malik up against his body and into a kiss that was desperate and fierce. Malik wrapped his arms around Altair and then his legs and held on as the man turned them to press him back against a wall as he nipped hungrily (ha, literally hungrily) against his jaw and throat before kissing him just as violently again. 

“Shower?” Malik said.

“Is that a clean thing or a body temperature thing?” Altair said, “because I can just drink hot water if it’s a temperature thing.”

“Really? I would have thought you’d need blood.” But they were moving toward the bathroom regardless.

“I like blood. Blood is very good. It’s much more effective and it lasts longer but hot water works too.” They burst through the door and fumbled into the shower (half-clothed) still kissing like fools.

\--

After, Altair’s skin was cool again and Malik laid half on him and half off sharing the delightful mortal warmth of his body. His fingers were idly tracing shapes across Altair’s skin as he sighed out a pleased sort of breath. 

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Malik asked.

“I’ve had bad experiences. Why didn’t you tell me when you figured it out?” Altair asked back. 

Malik rolled more fully onto his belly and looked at him with his chin resting against Altair’s chest. He shrugged rather than providing an answer out loud. His eyebrows knitted together and a very serious sort of look darkened on his face. He said: “what about blood drinking? Do you want to drink my blood?”

“I drink blood quite frequently. Rarely human blood, however. It’s something of an acquired taste and it seems vaguely cannibalistic to me. There are those of my kind that do indulge but it’s frequently some weird sexual fetish.”

“Right,” Malik said (like he was relieved). “That makes sense, right? Like a human eating a steak and fucking a cow.”

“Exactly,” Altair said agreeably. “However, if it improves your experience I will happily drink a few quarts of blood before I come over for sex next time. I only haven’t been doing so because it changes my appearance drastically and I figured you would notice when my skin changed color.”

“I don’t know why you’d think that when you obviously thought I wouldn’t notice the rest. Did you know you don’t show up in photographs and your eyes dilate when you smell blood? Or that you have really sharp teeth?”

“Shut up,” Altair said. He pinched Malik and enjoyed the way he squirmed for his freedom before relenting and laying against him again. “But you’ll stop with the garlic right?”

Malik hummed in agreement. “Unless you piss me off.”


End file.
